dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
sex in a hospital.. check
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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