HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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