Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
