It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
