Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
