I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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