So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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