Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
