Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize