I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
