mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
