you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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