The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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