I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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