Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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