NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
