Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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