i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
