Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
