Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
