saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He shit in the fireplace
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
