my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
