Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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