wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize