wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
