I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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