The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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