We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
