I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
