Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
