Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
