The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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