ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
