Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
