I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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