Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize