Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
