Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
