Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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