The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
