So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
