I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
