My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
