Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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