if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
