i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
