I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
whose parrot is this?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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