im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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