We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
