Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
