drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
