I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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