you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you would pick up someone in the library
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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