there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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