Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
