I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
