So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She even gives head with a lisp.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
