Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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