He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Enjoy the penises
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
