I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
