It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
